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I’ve found that most people name their stomas, though some find that weird I’ve learned. For me, naming it was 1.) a prime opportunity for a good joke and 2.) a way of accepting her more. I chose Cersei. Cersei is fitting because it has a nice rhyme to it and the name hails from my favorite TV show (holla at my Game of Thrones nerds!) but mostly because, like her TV counterpart, she’s a bitch and I don’t like her very much.
Cersei and I had a rough start. She is the biggest pain in my ass (erm, side) and makes things much more complicated. My first few weeks with her were hell - she would constantly leak everywhere, ruin my clothes, and make me cry in a hot second. She still really sucks, but she’s better trained now.
Each day, I clean Cersei’s house (read: bag) about once every two hours. Because I have an ileostomy instead of a colostomy, this is a much more frequent occurrence. Every 5ish days, Cersei gets a scrub down and a new bag to wreck havoc in.
What does Cersei look like, you ask? Well, sorta like you’d imagine. She’s my small intestine after all. She’s pink and looks like guts, but she doesn’t have any nerve endings, so I can’t feel the actual organ - just the skin around it. Some of her favorite pastimes include being noisy in movie theaters (yes, she farts) and blessing me with a morning hot air balloon (filling with said gas overnight and forcing me to rush to the bathroom half asleep so she doesn’t explode.)
She’s definitely full of shit, that one. While I can’t stand her, I do have to say that she’s typically a fairly easy stoma to deal with. Many people have to limit their diets with an ostomy since getting an intestinal blockage is very easy. Things like seeds, skins, nuts, even sometimes red meat can all be out of the question as these foods are hard to digest. Because food has less time than normal to dissolve before being “pooped” out, getting a blockage is your worst nightmare. Luckily for me, Cersei has been able to pass all of these things without problem. Which is good because I’m a big fruit eater and chocolate covered peanuts are my vice.
If you’re a fellow ostomate I’d love to hear what you named your stoma. Or, if you didn’t, why not. If you’re on the naming market, here are some suggestions:
Anderson Pooper
Smokey (“Ol’ Smokey’s gonna blow!”)
Belly Butt
Mount Vepoovius
Pepe Le Pew
Donald Trump (cause everything that comes out of him is full of shit)
Hot Snakes
Prada (the only bag you can afford is on your side)
A.J. (Asshole Junior)
Betty Crocker
Christopher Plumber
Squirt