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Sometimes I feel like my body is failing me, and this week has been full of tears and frustration from it. Being productive makes me feel good, but when I’m in pain and short of breath and feeling low on energy it’s really hard to do anything but lay in bed and watch Netflix. I’ve cried a lot this week because of how stagnant I feel, and, for whatever reason, have felt like having pity parties for myself.
People often tell me that I’m a warrior and the strongest person they know - which is super flattering. But, I don’t feel that way. I wish I did - healing would probably be so much easier if I felt confident in my progress and walking around with a pep in my step. Instead, the small things get to me. I feel like giving up all the time - I just don’t know how to do that. The only reason I’m this warrior to other people is because I had no other option - I was dealt a shitty hand of cards and I had to play them.
I’ve been asked a lot about the coma and what it was like. Truth is, I have no memory of it. I don’t have a cool answer for you, sorry. But what I learned is that I don’t think we can choose when we die. I don’t think in those moments when you’re knocking on death’s door do you get to choose if the Grim Reaper answers. I think our bodies are programmed to fight and to try to heal, and our wishes can’t overpower that.
I thought about my dad a lot when I was in the hospital. I truly don’t know how he mentally lived with cancer. I’m not sure if he ever really realized or accepted the fact that he was dying, but to know that doctors cannot help you is something I can’t fathom. The mental scars of medical battles are far worse than any cuts on your body.
When I woke up this morning, I thought about all of this. The first thing I did after getting out of bed was to throw up - about 5 times. My body was not having it this morning. I couldn’t stand up straight, I was nauseous, my nerve pain was worse than the day before - I just wanted to break down. I keep trying to talk to people about how I feel, and I keep getting the “you have to suck it up” and “you have to move past this” comments. What I really want is for someone to tell me how fucking shitty this is and how I don’t deserve to be dealing with this and how my feelings make total sense. I want someone to come to my pity party just once.