Ostodates

Family members, I’m going to preface this right now and tell you to stop reading after this sentence. K thanks. No really, stop here. 

Since it’s humpday, I found it fitting for today’s post to be all about sex. One of my first thoughts when waking up to my new ostomy bag was “how the hell am I supposed to date with this thing???” I was so repulsed and embarrassed by it that I felt like someone else would be even more grossed out about it. I remember one day in the hospital feeling sad and lonely and crying hysterically to a sweet nurse I had over the realization that dating had instantly become that much harder. I mean hell, being in LA and finding a decent man is a task in itself - I didn’t need another hurdle to cross. This nurse said what I already knew... “if he’s not cool with the bag, then he sucks and you shouldn’t waste your time on him anyway.” True, yes, but significantly easier said than done. As I became more adjusted to Cersei the Stoma, I began to just not give a fuck about it anymore. If a guy’s weirded out by it, then so be it. It saved my life, and everybody poops, but I use less toilet paper than you and am thus saving the planet so fuck you and BYEEEEE. Again, easier said than done I realize, but I’ll walk you fellow ostomates reading this through what I’ve found helpful with sexy time/dating with a bag. 

1. When/how do you tell your partner or person you’re dating about your stoma. My first culprit was this dude I “met” on a dating app. We talked for several days before planning on a date, and I decided to tell him via text beforehand... and then: crickets. It surpringly didn’t bother me. I instantly realized how he wasn’t as cool as I thought he might be and moved on to the next. After that went south (or rather didn’t *ba dum tss*) I polled some male friends of mine about when the best time to break the news was. The overall consensus: mid makeout before the top comes off. Ladies, if you’re reading this you’re probably all super confused because literally ALL of my girl friends said to mention the bag pre-date. Ultimately I decided to go with the guys on this one after one friend said something along the lines of “look, if someone told you ahead of a date that they’re an actor and don’t have a steady paycheck and struggle with depression and anxiety because of their career/life choices, would you still go out with them?” He also related the bag to someone being a widower and having a kid - would you still be as interested? The answer, mostly for the latter, is no. I could get past the actor/depression stuff - been there, done that. But a child would be a hugeeeeee hurdle for me. (Dogs +, Kids -) I mean, shit, I can barely make a grilled cheese and I’m 90% sure I’ve forgotten how to do long division - I should not be a mother any time soon. So while my female brain wanted to prepare them in advance and make sure they weren’t a douche bag, I also realized that a) I can’t fault them TOO much for a bag scaring them away as some things would be a struggle for me as well. And b) there’s no obligation to let them know before they meet you. For example, it’s a lot easier for me to be interested in the guy with the kid after I get to know him. So, I did just what I was advised and broke the awkward news mid makeout and before the top came off in the most casual, nonchalant way possible. End result: some men have seem less phased by it than others, but none have had any issue with it. That can maybe be chalked up to horny men, but so be it. 

2. Confidence? The saving grace to feeling sexy with a bag of poop hanging from your side is - say it with me - lingerie. First of all, men love lingerie, and you probably already own some, so take advantage of it. It’s an easy way to not only hide your bag, but also to kinda hold it in place during the hustle and bustle. I like to use a lace wrap that I got from ostomysecrets.com (it’s the Victoria’s Secret for stomas, if you can’t tell) as well as a lacey ostomy cover that I got off Etsy. Apparently I like lace. If you want a cheaper option for a wrap, I’ve heard  of people using everything from a maternity belt to bandeau bras as replacements. Ostomy hacks, anyone? Moral of the story, I highly suggest investing in some sexy lingerie for both logistical purposes and to make you feel more comfortable. Not having to worry about the bag while in the moment really helps. 

3. Sex. Don’t worry everyone, sex is exactly the same with or without an ostomy. You may have to preface to a new partner to be careful not to pull on the bag/don’t squash it, but there isn’t anything you can’t do sexually. It goes without saying, but I suggest emptying your bag before things start to get hot and heavy - for obvious reasons, of course. We’re also not as fragile as we seem. I’ve found that men are more concerned about hurting me more than I’m worried about it. I also feel like the following goes without saying but I’ve seen it asked on ostomy boards 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ so I will post it here. You should never ever ever insert toys or penises into your stoma. Y’all, that’s weird and gross. Don’t do it. Also, you can still get pregnant. You may be #NoColonStillRollin but your uterus is still there and you can get yo self knocked up. Wrap it before you tap it, people. End result... for me, once I got over the worry and lack of confidence with the bag, then sex was no big change. 

Fellow ostobuddies: Now, keep in mind that all this comes from an ostomate who doesn’t have IBD or Crohn’s. If you’re living with an ostomy and have one of these diseases, then your experience may be different. I’ve read about others having more pain/discomfort or even less sensation during sex because of having their colon or rectum completely removed, but I can’t personally speak to that since mine were never removed. I would instead encourage you to do some research on people who have a similar health history as you and hear what they say. There are blogs and YouTube videos that discuss sex after ostomy surgery, and you can also use your ostomy nurse as a resource to ask these questions. 

💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻

Fun fact: Popcorn has become my biggest fear. I refuse to eat it with an ostomy.