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People ask me regularly how I’m feeling, and the answer really varies by day. Overall, my progress has been pretty impressive (if I do say so myself) after waking up from the coma. Recovery was speedy from that point on in the hospital. My goal was to be discharged by March 1st and I was going to make sure I got the hell out of there by then even if I had to break out myself. Thankfully, I didn’t have to bribe a nurse to break free as I did really well from February on.
Recovery since has had it’s ups and downs. Ostomy frustrations aside, I still have quite a bit of pain in my thighs and side. We think it may be nerve damage, but so far the medicines haven’t been working. The more active I am, the more pain I have and things are worse at the end of the day. While the bag is a pain in my ass (*side) all of my physical pain comes from the nerve damage or whatever the hell is going on with my legs.
Another hurdle I’ve had to cope with is lots and lots of anxiety. In the hospital I was a weeping mess. Constantly crying over the smallest things as I was just completely OVER IT. I was tired of the CAT scans and having shots every 6 hours. I was having drains put in and then pulled out, MRIs that freaked me out to no end, and having to drink dye which tasted like hell in a bottle. I just didn’t want to be there anymore and February was really the first time where everything hit me. Up until that point I was either too out of it to really realize how long I’d be in the hospital, or it was one of those times where we thought I was healing and on my way out of the door - only to be told something else had gone wrong.
The doctors were giving me sedatives like crazy to calm my nerves - especially prior to procedures. I was never afraid of CAT scans before, nor was I claustrophobic, but you better believe I’m afraid of scans and MRIs now. If I had a dollar for every time I talked my surgeon out of giving me an MRI, I’d be about $5 richer. ;)
My anxiety has significantly improved now that I’m out of the hospital, but with another surgery on the horizon it’s something that still gets to me often. My ostomy is due to be reversed later this year, but my biggest fear in the world is that something is going to go wrong and they’re not going to be able to remove it. Living with a bag permanently scares the shit out of time - I truly don’t think I would be strong enough to live the rest of my life like this. I know you’re thinking “you’ll adjust,” but I don’t want to. I don’t want my current life to be my forever life, and it scares the shit out of me. To those who have a permanent ostomy: I admire you. You are far stronger than I will ever be.
Fun fact: On my next surgery, they will be inserting a $30,000 piece of mesh in my abdomen. Because I don’t have my stomach muscle in the right place, they’ll be reattaching the muscle and adding the mesh for protection.